Tomorrow we are attending Shirley's funeral. What could I possibly say on here that hasn't been said about death or dying 100 times before? What could I type that any Christian author hasn't typed to soothe the souls of those left here? I can't really type anything but my own experience with this death.
Somehow with this being so close to Halloween, the Trick or Treating holiday seems a little inappropriate. My yard is already littered with gravestones and black cats. It was also terribly unfortunate that I was reading 'Salem's Lot. My mind has been in the morgue lately. That's morbid and terrible. But it's made me examine human nature a little more closely. I've come to realize more of our coping mechanisms. Halloween really isn't tacky- it's a way to beat back the Grim Reaper with candied apples. We read horror novels so that we feel like we've faced down horror without ever stepping foot outside. We make ourselves a little more familiar with the unfamiliar so that when it comes, we know it on a first name basis.
Of course my Christian faith doesn't jive with the lore of Halloween and the threat of Transylvania's counts. Even with my solid faith in Salvation and the afterlife, it doesn't thrill me that someday I will cease to exist. It bothers me that I won't experience my own funeral. It's the party without the host. It scares me to think of getting old and parts failing. I don't want my children to have to suffer financially or emotionally for my health care. That's what really worries me. (I'm only 24... I shouldn't be worrying about these things...) What really catches me off guard would be if Cameron dies before me. Whoa. That's mind boggling. I can't hardly remember the first 20 years of my life without him. He was always there somehow. Even if only in dreams. Poor Uncle Mike, who tonight goes to bed alone after 20 years of meeting Shirley there. Perhaps not always on good terms. Perhaps only to fall asleep quickly. But she was still there. An unshared bed is sheer misery.
I told my Dad on the phone today, I didn't understand how those without hope keep marching forward towards their own expiration date. That's a quandary that has never been answered for me. Of course there is a God. Of course there is salvation. It is so very apparent by our very existence. I'm watching my daughter sleep next to me now and she is the proof of a divine hand. We are far too refined to only be swamp sludge and monkey grandbabies. We are far too eternal to be only here on this earth. True, we are crude and terrible to one another. True, we fail miserably and in doing so blame others. We are by no means perfect. But doesn't His workmanship show brightly? His love saving us from our very own devices?
5 years ago